


Eighteen

by cadkitten



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Awkward Boners, Barely Legal, Clubbing, Dirty Dancing, Gen, M/M, Past Abuse, Repression, Sexuality Issues, Working things out, gogo dancers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 08:03:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14160360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: He'd heard it a million times over the years. When will I be allowed to go on missions alone?When you're eighteen.When will you let me live my own life?When you're eighteen.When can I be alone with someone and not have you breathing down my throat every five minutes?When you're eighteen.When will you let me have a glass of champagne at the gala like all the other kids are allowed to do?When you're eighteen.





	Eighteen

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: kate1zena

_When you're eighteen._

He'd heard it a million times over the years. When will I be allowed to go on missions alone? _When you're eighteen._ When will you let me live my own life? _When you're eighteen._ When can I be alone with someone and not have you breathing down my throat every five minutes? _When you're eighteen._ When will you let me have a glass of champagne at the gala like all the other kids are allowed to do? _When you're eighteen._

It was maddening. Eighteen this, eighteen that; always this damn arbitrary number that didn't truly matter in the grand scheme of things. He'd murdered, taken the world by storm, tortured people before he was even ten and since then he'd saved the city more times than he could count. He'd been tortured _and_ killed. He'd been on the receiving end of far too many blades and bullets and fists. And yet... he wasn't even allowed to be _alone_ with someone long enough to even try to relieve some of the tension that boiled inside him.

He'd started avoiding dating just because it was more frustrating than being alone was. Every single time he started to have feelings for someone his dick would inform him it was more than interested in something else as well and then _there_ was his father, pestering and hovering and when he wasn't, he was sending Pennyworth to do it instead. At sixteen, he'd wanted to scream and by the time seventeen came around, he'd given up and closed himself off again just to find some peace and quiet. 

If he wasn't with anyone there was no pestering, no hovering, and better yet, _no supervision_ which at least meant he could get up to things with himself which, he had to admit, was better than nothing at all.

But _now_ , here he was, three days after his eighteenth birthday and Dick, Jason and Tim had decided tonight was boys night out on the town. Anywhere that would admit an eighteen year old was fair game, though Dick had put a hard stop on Damian drinking. That was just as well, given what Damian _actually_ wanted to do. 

They'd eaten a fancy dinner first: four courses and delicate sauces, amazing aromas, basically everything Damian could have ever asked for in a vegetarian place. Even better, not once had anyone complained that there wasn't any meat in any of the foods. 

From there, they'd hit up an arcade for about an hour to digest – or so Dick claimed – though Damian was pretty sure it was for nostalgia given he recognized the place immediately _and_ he found their old scores on one of the games in the far back corner without much effort. Not that Damian minded, it was sort of nice to think of how easy things had been back then. How he'd only looked up to Grayson rather than feeling other stirrings every time he looked at him. 

Jason eventually shuffled them off from the arcade and away from the better lit streets and closer to the districts they had to patrol with a heavy fist most nights. Jason had a word with a bouncer at the door of a club and then they were all in, weaving their way through the crowds and up to the VIP area where Jason spread himself out on the couch and patted the spot next to him, giving Damian a smile. "Got you a gift," he murmured once Damian was settled close enough to him that the words were nearly private. Damian's breath hitched and he had to tamp down on the usual skitter in his veins over Jason's proximity. _This_ had happened about a year ago and it was really starting to piss him off. Before that he'd been fine, able to ignore Jason like he did nearly everyone else but then they'd shared a kiss as cover when they were staking out a mark last year and this horror show had happened in a split instant. 

Damian was pretty damn sure Jason didn't know how he felt, thought the disgruntled look on his face and dirty look he'd shot him had been plenty to cover but not so over the top it was obvious as covering. It wasn't like he'd leaned over and spit on the ground and wiped his mouth afterward, after all. Still, this made him a little wary. 

Jason leaned across him to get a glass from Tim and as he leaned back, he offered a quiet, "Act like you don’t like if it you need to, but... sort of figured it out a while ago and didn't feel like torturing you." Jason settled back in his seat and sipped at the glass of what appeared to be water Tim had handed him.

With a little scowl, Damian crossed his arms and waited on whatever _this_ was.

A few minutes passed and then he found out as three flashily dressed dancers from the GoGo booths in the club came into their lounge and the door shut behind them. Jason tipped his head toward Damian and they all advanced on them.

Damian's heart made a desperate bid to separate from his body, particularly given one of them was a guy. A damn good looking guy at that. Sure, Damian didn't mind girls, but if he had to place himself somewhere on the spectrum he was probably closer to gay than he was bi. Very few women had ever done it for him versus nearly every guy he'd ever seen in porn and more than half of the ones he knew in real life.

The music ramped up a few notches in the room and one of the girls slid onto Jason's lap, the other occupying the space between Dick and Tim, entertaining them both while the guy duplicated his counterpart's efforts in Damian's lap. Instantly, Damian put his hands on the couch, tucking his fingers under his rear and did his best to focus on breathing. It'd been _far_ too long since he'd had someone to so much as touch. Everything in him screamed of desperation and desire to have, to hungrily take whatever this guy would give him, but he also knew how this worked. _Do not touch_ was pretty much the first rule. The second unspoken rule in Damian's own book was _do not jizz yourself in public_ though he was loathe to admit that was rapidly becoming an issue.

The guy practically writhed on his lap, his scantily clad ass rubbing on Damian's rapidly hardening cock. It truly didn't help that the guy was practically straining in his own shorts and Damian could see the outline of his cock, and – _oh God_ – how he wanted to touch it.

It all grew to be too much in that instant and he shifted forward enough to tell the guy to get off his lap. When he didn't move, Damian let out a little snarl, followed by, "Immediately."

He climbed off and Damian got up, shot a dirty look at Jason and escaped out the door as quickly as he could. He found the bathrooms pretty much on accident and locked himself in one of the surprisingly clean stalls just to cool off. Leaning against the wall after triple checking it for nastiness, he closed his eyes and let himself relax a little bit. It'd been too much and he was too worked up. His body desperately wanted what he hadn't had for the past five years of being what felt like perpetually horny while he mind understood he didn't want his first time getting off with another guy to be jizzing his pants for what amounted to a stripper that didn't strip.

He let out a little sigh and forcefully focused on his breathing routines. He also wasn't about to stoop to jacking off in a public bathroom. Not when he was fifteen and certainly not now.

"Damian?"

Tim's voice drifted to him and he had to wonder at why it was him that came after him and not Jason or Dick. He glowered at the door for a moment before quietly unfastening his belt and then shifting to flush the toilet with his shoe. He opened the cubical and came out fastening his belt.

"Hey," Tim rushed a bit to catch up with him while Damian went through the motions of washing his hands, "you bolted off, just wanted to make sure you weren't upset. I mean, Jason thinks he's funny sometimes when he's really not, you know?"

It would have been amusing that he could read the lies in Tim's every word if it weren't quite so painful. Clearly, they all knew his preferences but were giving him the outs he needed to keep denying it if need be. He grabbed a paper towel, dried his hands and pitched it over Tim's head into the trashcan. "He's not funny but that is not why I left."

They stepped back out into the club and Damian moved off to the side, hesitated there as he shoved his hands into his pockets and stared over the railings down into the lower floors. He could feel Tim's presence beside him and for once he found it more relaxing than irritating. He flicked him a glance, shaking his head. "He's also not wrong. Before you go getting any ideas, I was _not_ in there jerking off."

Tim looked both surprised and embarrassed and Damian snorted. "Wasn't throwing myself a pity party either. I just needed to breathe for a minute." He took a few steps and then made a face. "But we should go, this isn't my scene."

Tim leaned against the railing, his gaze behind Damian for long enough he got the point and put himself back together a bit more, a firm scowl on his face by the time Jason and Dick reached them. Jason opened his mouth but Dick beat him to it, winding his arm around Damian's waist and leaning in. "Let's go dance. It'll be fun!"

"You and I have _very_ different definitions of fun." Damian managed to deadpan the words, force them to drip with disgust, but Dick didn't flinch back from it. 

"C'mon. Let's try. You never know what you might like." Dick tugged him against his side and all but forced him away from Jason and Tim and through the crowd toward the stairs. Two flights down and they spilled out onto the busy dance floor, Dick snagging his hand and pulling him into the midst of it. 

It was hot and unpleasant, everyone around him felt slick with sweat and the floor was sticky with booze and God only knew what else. Damian made a face just before Grayson pulled him in until they were nearly touching and began to writhe not unlike the guy who'd been on his lap. Within seconds Damian's blood pressure felt like it had gone through the roof and his dick was rapidly betraying him once again. 

"This is _not_ a good idea." The words were out before he could stop them and he had to swallow to keep himself from whining at his mistake. 

Dick's hands landed on his waist and dragged him in until he was pressed right up against him and then Dick's mouth was next to his ear. "I'm not blind and I'm certainly not stupid. Just enjoy tonight, okay? No ramifications for your actions as long as they're not illegal, understood?"

Damian closed his eyes, his hands going to Dick's shoulders, squeezing hard. "You cannot possibly understand what you're implying. Just trust me, _this_ is a terrible idea."

Dick's laugh was pressed against his shoulder. "What? Because your cock's hard? As if we haven't all gotten hard in front of the other at some point."

Bitterness and anger welled up inside Damian and he lashed out before he could think about what he was admitting. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure none of the others were hard up _because_ of you." He shoved Dick back from him and shook his head, feeling his world crumbling as he turned and walked away. His heart ached and his blood was rushing in his ears. He'd fucked up. Fucked up _so bad_. 

He shoved through throngs of people until he finally made it up the stairs and out the doors, spilling out in front of the club and just standing there for a moment, debating what to do. Finally, he pulled out his phone and texted Tim. 

_Just fucked up real bad with Grayson. I'm going home. Please don't follow me._ He stood there a moment longer and then started down the street.

His phone vibrated and one glance showed Dick's number on the caller ID. He pressed ignore and turned down the next major street, taking himself back out of the worst parts of town. 

One right after another, he heard the tiny chirp of his text messages and he staunchly ignored them all until he stepped into a twenty-four hour coffee shop and took a seat at one of the back booths. He ordered a café latte the instant the waitress approached him and then plucked his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it.

The first text was from Dick.

_Please come back. I don't know what you think is going to happen, but I'm not angry! Please._

All the other texts were from Tim and he almost regretted having texted him to say anything at all. On the other hand, he knew he needed one of them to know or they'd come after him and he definitely didn't want that to happen right now.

_Fucked up how?_

_Dami?_

_What's going on? Is he angry? Are you? Please talk to me._

_Okay... not going to talk to me, clearly. You should know I found Dick. He says he's not angry or anything and he's not sure how you think you fucked up. What happened????_

The waitress reappeared and placed his drink down and Damian fished out enough to pay and give her tip, shoving it across the table and curling up in the corner of the booth with the warm drink and his phone cradled in his lap. 

Finally, the thumbed out a message to Tim.

_Do – not – repeat this. Not to him or anyone. I pretty much told him I had a damn hard-on for him. Literally, not figuratively, because he pulled me against him on the dance floor. I – hate – being put on the spot and I loathe admitting things I never wanted to admit. Just leave me alone. I'll get over it, he'll get over it, and everything can just be normal again._

He started to lock the screen when it began vibrating again, Dick calling him yet again. He hit ignore and pulled up his texts from Dick, typing rapidly.

_Stop calling, I will not answer. I do not want to be found and I do not wish to speak about what happened. We will pretend it never happened starting immediately._

Texts starting coming in almost instantly and Damian had to turn off his volume to stop from driving anyone else in the shop absolutely mad. 

_Oh thank God._

_Are you okay?_

_Where are you?_

_Scratch that, just... I won't call, but can we talk like this?_

Damian winced and took a long drink from his cup before setting it aside. 

_What do you want?_

There were a few seconds where Damian spent his time staring at the little ellipsis on the screen, waiting on whatever Dick was typing out, and then he was damn glad his mouth wasn't full of coffee when it did arrive.

_You think I somehow didn't know how you felt about me? I told you I wasn’t blind or stupid. What the hell do you think I meant? I took you away from the others on purpose._

_Maybe that was my mistake. I guess I shouldn't have but I also just wanted to know._

Damian wet his lips and cursed himself for even thinking about replying but his fingers were typing before he could stop himself.

 _Know what?_ He sent it with a wince.

_If I was right and if maybe... ya know._

Damian let out a huff. 

_I am not a science project, Grayson. And, no, I do not "know"._

_Please can I just call you? You don't even have to talk. Just... listen to me for a minute?_

Damian rolled his eyes and brought up the phone app, tapping Dick's name and bringing the phone to his ear. The call connected and he listened to Dick's quick breathing like he'd just been running. "Hey..." When Damian didn't reply, he heard Dick sigh and then, "Yeah, okay... so I'll just talk. Look, I don't think you're some kind of science project, that's not what I was trying to get at. Not at all." 

He heard things get quieter on the other end of the phone and then Dick sniff a little. "Look, we've always been so close it was just easy for me to know when things changed. I think I realized it before you did, to be honest. Like there was this moment a few Christmas' ago where I went to hug you and the way you leaned into it just wasn't the same as it used to be. But it was still months before you started to pull back from me. I worried about it at first but then I figured it was probably best since you weren't exactly eighteen and I'm... well... definitely not eighteen. So I let it go and just did my best to ignore it when it started to become more and more obvious, you know? But like... I dunno, it's difficult sometimes. So today after the little incident with the dancers I guess I thought maybe since it'd be okay now that I'd see if it was all on your end or not. Maybe that's kind of a jerk move, I'm not sure, but I wanted to _know_. I needed to. And for what it's worth... it's not only you. Pretty much everything in me wanted to kiss you. I just sort of thought that wasn't advisable in public. So... there it is. There's my truth for you. I'm sorry I made you upset enough to leave and I'm sorry I ruined your night, that wasn't ever my intention."

He heard Dick's shaky breath and the quiet hitch of it and then, "I'll let you go. I... look, just let Jason and Tim know where you are. I'll go home and I won't contact you again until you come to me. I'll give you your space and I'll do my best to do what you want and ignore this like it never happened, but I wanted you to know the truth, that's all. I'm sorry. _So_ sorry. I – " this time the hitch was larger and Grayson sounded crushed when he whispered, "never mind," and the call disconnected a second later.

Damian lowered the phone to his lap and just stared at it for a minute. Dick had just admitted he'd felt something in return and that he'd known all along about Damian's absurd little crush. He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose, his thoughts trying to rush in a million different directions. Did Dick know how he'd been feeling about Jason as well? What about how at ease he was with Tim? Not to mention the insane sexual tension between him and Jon that seemed to come and go completely at whim. 

He thumbed open his thread with Tim and found three new messages from while he'd been on the phone with Dick.

_I don't think that's how it works._

_I mean, you could try, but God, it's not going to be easy just acting like it's nothing at all after that kind of confession._

_Hey, I know you probably just want us all to leave you alone (Jason says I should stop texting and stop being a nosy prick) and I will after this, but I just wanted to tell you if you need someone to talk to who won't judge and won't tell anyone else what you said, I'm your guy. Anytime._

Damian stared at it for a bit and finally replied.

_Dani's Coffee on Maple. If Dick hasn't run off yet, bring everyone._

Shoving his phone in his pocket, Damian picked up his coffee and sat there nursing it while he waited. It wasn't even three minutes before the bell over the door jingled and footsteps came toward him.

Tim slid into the booth beside him and Damian arched an eyebrow at him. "Stalking me?"

"For once, no... we were looking for somewhere open to get food or something and this street's about it this time of the night."

"Where are the others?"

"Jason's smoking... given he hasn't in at least eight years I'm pretty sure it's under the pretense of keeping Dickie out there while you and I talk for a minute. Make sure you really want them in here and all that."

Damian rolled his eyes and pulled his knees up a bit more, resting his coffee cup on them. "I guess that's kind."

"For him... it is. But yeah... do you really want Dick in here? After all that?"

"I am fine."

"No... you most definitely are not." Tim lowered his voice and leaned in. "You're hiding in a coffee shop," he pointed at the label on Damian's drink, "drinking something you despise, and what... you expect me to believe you're fine? I'm not buying it."

Damian glared at him over the rim of his cup and then set the cup down on the table. "I said the first thing that came to mind."

"Dick's favorite drink..." Tim just let that hang out there and Damian winced, looking away. 

"There's a lot more going on than you think. It probably is best if we just act like it never happened. I don't think I have the capacity to deal with anything right now anyway."

"Stop talking in goddamned riddles and say what you mean. It's not like that cigarette is infinite."

Damian sighed, looking back at Tim and shaking his head. "Okay, I'll just make this awkward as hell then. I'm basically in love with Dick and in lust with Jason. I'm pretty sure I shouldn’t just ignore the fact that about half the time I have a serious desire to shove Jon against the nearest horizontal surface and have my way with him and I am admittedly confused as to what the hell is happening between us today because I _never_ open up to anyone like this. I'm pretty sure I just need to take a few dozen steps back, avoid everyone for a week, a month, or a damn year – however long it takes to clear my head – and then maybe figure out how to not fuck up every interpersonal relationship I have with my damn libido." He tipped his head back and stared at the roof. "Maybe I need lessons from the monks again. After all, they used to smack me with switches whenever I would become unfocused due to my sexual thoughts."

"They'd... are you serious?"

"It's a focus thing. Nothing at all should ever interrupt your ability to focus. Not bodily functions, not stray thoughts, nothing. Even at eleven I was starting into the phase where it was happening often enough to be a nuisance. They just corrected it."

"Corrected it... You make it sound like it's okay that they _beat_ you for what? Having a boner?"

"Being distracted _by_ said bodily function."

"That's not okay, you realize that, right?"

Damian shrugged and picked up the coffee again. "Let's not dwell on things we cannot change."

Tim sputtered at him and then leaned heavily on the table. "We're talking more often. Period. Once a week you come to my place and that's – I dunno – a mandate if you have to think of it like that. I'd prefer it be an invite you take me up on but God knows that hasn't worked in the past."

"So invite me, then." Damian drained the rest of his coffee and made a face, putting it down.

"Please come to my place once a week, starting tonight."

Damian shrugged, eyeballed Tim's pleading look, and then sniffed. "Fine. Are they coming in or is Jason smoking the whole pack?"

Tim peered out of the booth and then shifted back in. "They're talking and there's no smoking. They'll come in when they're ready I suppose."

Damian rested his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. "What do I do? If you think talking is going to help, then help me."

"Did you tell Dick how you feel? Like not the boner part, but the love part?"

"Absolutely not." He hesitated and then, quietly, "He may know though. He implied on the phone that he knew how I felt."

"Could have just meant that you're attracted... I don’t know. I mean I can't recall him ever saying anything about knowing and you'd think that would come up."

"I guess." He put his legs down and instead leaned on the table, staring down at the wooden surface. "I don’t know what to do. If my body had its way, I'd probably just have sex with pretty much everyone and then end up at Grayson's every night. I feel like it'd be dishonest to tell him I care about him like that if I'm going to get a damn hard-on every time I so much as look at Jason or Jon, you know?"

Tim shifted so he was closer, his voice pitched lower. "I need some honest answers to give you any kind of decent feedback. Have you had sex?"

Damian snorted. "With 'Mr. Interrupts Every Five Minutes' as my father? No, I have not. Not anything more than a few poorly executed pawing sessions at best."

"He... wait, Bruce has been interrupting you? Like on purpose?"

"Oh yeah, big time. He either sends Pennyworth or he comes barging in himself. It is... _incredibly_ frustrating." Damian took in a shaky breath. "Admittedly, I may have been a bit early in comparison to others in how quickly I was looking for such things, but I never once initiated anything. So I cannot imagine he was doing it to protect anyone else."

Tim was quiet for a minute and Damian glanced at him to see the pained look on his face.

"What?"

"Your whole life has been this series of getting denied sexually over and over, isn't it? Like you try to find peace with yourself and end up getting hit for it, then you try with others and get blocked at every corner."

Damian shrugged. "I think most teenagers deal with that."

"Yes, but you aren't like most people. You take lessons to heart and yield to them once you find any benefit at all. The monks taught you to stop being with yourself and it'd help you become more at peace. Bruce has been systematically – intentionally or not – teaching you that interpersonal contact ends with separation and stopping. Twice tonight you basically cock-blocked yourself. The first time no one would have thought twice about it if you'd let yourself find pleasure with the dancer. That was... kind of the point. Then with Dick, he was trying to get you to let loose with him and instead you slammed the door in his face as hard as you could. You've taken their lessons to heart and that's _not_ a good thing in this case."

Damian shifted uncomfortably, sniffing hard before shaking his head. "Let's get more coffee."

Tim sighed, reached over and lightly squeezed his shoulder before sliding out of the booth and heading to the counter. Damian watched him order as he turned the comments over in his head. So maybe he was running from everything. As sick as he was of not having what felt like a very necessary piece of himself he was also essentially terrified of it. He hated that he wanted Jason and Jon, despised that he'd let Grayson feel how hard he'd been, and even with Tim he was scared to some degree that he was giving up too much information. Yet every piece of him longed to experience something with someone. He wasn't even sure it mattered who anymore, only that it was someone. 

He was lonely, had been for years now. Even when he'd been dating he still felt like he could never hand over the pieces of himself he needed to. Sex was tied in so deeply and desperately to his core that he needed it in a relationship and since he hadn't been allowed to have it, he'd never really attached himself to the people he'd been with. Now that he was presented with a myriad of options he was running scared because he had no idea how to deal with any of it like an adult would. He was just a fumbling teenager who was supposed to know how this shit worked for adults and it was wholly terrifying. 

Tim settled back down with four drinks, pushing one to Damian. He read the label and found it was decaffeinated tea and found himself oddly thankful for that as well. Curling up back in the corner, he frowned to himself as he sipped at the scalding liquid.

"You're hiding again."

"I'm allowed."

"Not saying you aren't, just pointing it out." Tim slouched in his seat, propped his feet on the opposite bench and popped the lid off his cup, pouring in two sugar packets and using the stirrer to mix it in. "There's a lot to think about and I know I didn't help any with the quantity, but I think there's some other valuable opinions right outside that door. Honestly, I think if they knew half of what you're dealing with they may know how to react to you better than I do. They know you better." He shrugged. "Just the unavoidable truth of how we've separated ourselves over the years."

"We are fixing that."

"And I'm glad for it, but that doesn’t make me the expert on how to handle this right now. Jay... he's been through some shit, seen some serious shit. Hell, I'm pretty sure he spent some time with some monks when he disappeared for like six months a few years ago. Maybe... he can understand that better than I can. And Dick, he knows you better than anyone. I know he's the object of some of this, but seriously, he's still an invaluable resource. I'd be remiss not to point that out."

Damian sighed. "Then get them. I'll just admit my life's failures to everyone tonight. I mean why not? It'll solve my issue with both of them; burn those bridges down before they ever have a chance to settle. Maybe it will feel good to torch it all anyway."

"I don't think you're torching it by admitting anything."

"And I think you're wrong. Yet... I'm going to do it. So, go, get them."

Tim gave him a look that clearly held about a dozen retained comments, but he got up and headed to the door. Damian pulled his knees closer and prayed Tim would sit next to him again and not Dick or Jason. For the love of all that was holy, not the boner inducing brigade. 

They all came back and Tim smoothly slid back in next to him, forcing Dick and Jason to sit across from them. Jason slid in before Dick could and flicked Damian a significant glance that told him he'd done it on purpose, probably to keep Dick out of touching range. 

Tim shoved drinks toward them and Damian caught sight of the label on Dick's, curling in on himself a bit more when he realized it was a café latte and just how pleased Dick looked at that. There really was no avoiding this. Not any piece of it and never again.

Dick clearly started to talk a few times and shut down every single one of them. It took twice for Damian to realize Jason's hand was under the table and he was clearly doing something to make Dick shut up every single time.

Damian took in a deep breath and just bit the bullet. "I should not have run off, though I believe I had a valid reason given what I have been talking about with Tim." He sighed and forced himself to sit up, studying them all one-by-one and then placing his tea on the table. "I've been raised to repress my emotions. First by mother and grandfather and then by father and the monks I stayed with." He chanced looking at Jason, saw the dark shadow pass over his features, and he knew that was a talk he needed to have with him. Swallowing, he pressed onward. "My sexuality has been a thing that needed to be shut down every single time it got past a certain point and it's something I have apparently taught myself to follow through on now. With the dancer, I allowed it for under five minutes and then forcibly ended it. I told Tim then and I'll tell you both now, I didn't _do_ anything in the bathroom either. I used breathing exercises to calm down. With you," he flicked his fingers toward Grayson, "I shut down the instant things went beyond my control of the situation. I was already on edge and when you brought me into contact with you, _felt_ what was happening, I did the only thing I could think of that would ensure everything self-destructed and told you the truth and then pulled away."

He took a drink of his tea and then another, debating how best to continue. 

"They caught you?" He glanced up at Jason when he spoke, saw the anger boiling under the surface. "The monks I mean."

"Once."

"That's all it takes." Jason sat back. "I should have told Bruce what they did to me. I've been twice. Once when I was a kid and once a few years ago. I went then and knew what I was in for, but as a kid... it wasn't easy. The things they did to me when they kept catching me... it got worse and worse every time. I'm – I don't want to say I'm glad it was only once they caught you because I know what that first punishment is, but I'm also grateful it was only once. I got caught fifteen times in the year I was there and, to be blunt, I'm still not the same sexually after that."

Damian couldn’t keep the pain off his face, couldn't stop the welling of absolute horror in his gut that it had been that many times. The punishment the one and only time he'd ever been caught had been too horrible to tell Tim about though he now suspected Tim may have read it in his body language given he'd said to talk to Jason about it. "I think we need to talk privately at some point."

"I agree."

Damian swallowed again and dared to look at Grayson for the first time. He looked shell-shocked, somehow hollow, and Damian's heart wrenched hard in his chest. He'd done this. He'd caused the brightest light in his world to look like he'd been through the city's worst villains and barely come out the other side mentally.

A sad little sound swelled up in his throat and he pushed at Tim a little. "Switch places with him."

Tim looked between them and gave Damian a wary look until Damian let his sadness show just the smallest bit on his face and Tim instantly got up, moving to stand next to Dick's side of the table and all but tug him out of the seat. "Get over there."

Dick stood, dragged himself to Damian's side of the booth and settled in as far away from Damian as he could. 

"What were you going to say to me at the end of the call?"

Dick stiffened and then shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. "Don't. Don't do this."

"It's important."

Dick looked like he was about to break down in front of them all. His eyes opened but they opened a bit too wide, his breath came in short and hitching, and he held his cup just a little too hard, the cardboard creaking faintly under his touch. "I can't hold true to what I said I'd do if you make me answer that. Don't. Please don't."

"I'm not holding you to that. We need to get everything out there. I think I'm better off with you knowing the truth than I am with whatever this is that's happening right now. But I kind of need to know if you were going to tell me to go take a flying leap or what at the end of the call, surely you can understand that."

"Not that. _Never_ that. I'd never ever tell you that."

"Then what?"

"You'll hate me for saying it. I don't think I can take you hating me more than this right now."

Damian's heart clenched and he had to look away to hide the way his entire face crumbled. The sting of tears was there despite there not even being a sheen of them and his sinuses burned like he was sobbing though he wasn't. 

"He's in love with you," Jason offered quietly. "I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual, though Damian will have to verify on that one."

Dick stopped breathing completely and when Damian looked back at him the look he was giving Jason was one of absolute betrayal. 

"What? I'm not going to sit here and watch the two of you nuke your relationship when the truth is clear as goddamned day. Dick _told_ me what he almost said and hell if I can't see it in everything Damian's trying to hide. You two may be blind as fuck but I'm not. Now just say it and get it the hell over with. I'm sick of it."

Damian looked to Tim, found him hiding an amused look behind his coffee cup. He shrugged when Damian caught his eye.

"He... is not wrong."

Dick made a noise that sounded like someone was strangling a mongoose if Damian had to put a label on it and then he watched the most interestingly horrible thing he'd ever seen happen right in front of him. Dick nearly threw himself at him only to stop at the last second and jerk himself back away, a look of absolute agony on his face as he fumbled single words out that didn't string together to make any coherent sentence. "I. You. The thing. Promised. I. No. But... yes. I. _Damian_." And then abruptly, "I'm so sorry," and he was up and all but bolting for the door.

Tim gaped after him and Damian's heart seized hard enough to make him actively cringe. Snatching up both his and Dick's drinks, he went after him, determination thrumming in his blood as he bolted across the street and caught up with Dick half a block later, finding him leaning on a building, shaking and looking like he was about to be sick. He thrust the coffee at him and once Dick took hold of it, he did the only thing he could think of to stop whatever was happening from getting worse. He leaned in and kissed him. 

Maybe it wasn't the most rational of decisions, but it was the only one he wanted to make. 

Everything went into overdrive then, his blood rushing southward, his fingertips tingling, his senses extending to compensate for what he was doing, and then there was arousal, deep and unyielding falling down over him like a suffocating blanket. His stomach tightened and he got so hard to quickly it was honestly painful. He pulled back with a choked off sound and barely managed a, "Please," through the torture device he'd placed himself in.

Taking a half step back, he waited until Dick actually looked at him, saw the light in his eyes right behind the fear, and he wanted to wipe every ounce of that fear away. "I'm not lying to you. I've felt that way for a while now."

Dick just nodded at him and then slumped against the wall. One hand scrubbed across his face. "I'm not good at this. In fact, I'm terrible at it. Ask anyone who's ever dated me. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just going to make your life miserable and I'm so sorry I dragged you into this."

Pain ripped through Damian again and he had to fight it to see the truth behind Dick's words, to see that he was offering Damian an out at his own expense, handing him the ability to walk away and never bring it up again. "I don't want you to push me away and I don't want to forget this ever happened. I was hurting myself when I said that. I didn't mean to hurt you, too."

"I've always loved you, Damian. It's only that it's changed."

Damian let the words sink in, acknowledged them with a nod of his head, and then reached out and took Dick's hand, nodding back toward the shop. "Personally I think I'm probably the bigger fuck-up between us. I don't think you need to worry about making my life miserable, I manage that on my own quite well." He hesitated and then forced himself to tack on, "If that was an offer to date me, the answer's yes."

He swore Dick stopped breathing completely and then he was being hauled in for another kiss, this one hard and brief, Dick stepping back afterward and watching Damian, concern written on his features. "Was that okay? Did I move away fast enough?"

Damian started to tell him he could handle it himself but the truth was, he probably couldn't anymore. It would be hell trying to allow himself to feel these things now, but he was damn well going to try. "Yes." He held out his hand and waited until Dick took it again and they set off back toward the coffee shop. 

Maybe it wasn't exactly what he'd wanted out of the night. He hadn't gotten laid and he hadn't even gotten a proper stripper, but it was probably as much as he could have taken and it meant a lot that Jason had intentionally not taken them to a strip club. It might not have been for him, but it had worked out in the end. And maybe he'd ended up baring his secrets to three people, but that, too, had worked out better in the end. 

They stepped back into the coffee shop and made their way back to the booth, Dick sliding in first and Damian settling a bit closer than necessary.

"We kissed," he offered up when both Jason and Tim pinned him with expectant looks. He watched as Tim's face brightened and Jason hid away a little smirk and he thought to himself: perhaps things could work out after all.


End file.
